As the more astute of you may have realised I have been all too quiet lately. Sincerest apologies!
Now here is a new one. The aptly called GET READY WITH ME, it’s a thing apparently.
I discovered this behaviour one day on returning home from work earlier than I normally do. I arrived home to my bedroom door closed and a lecture taking place inside, which was strange for two reasons.
- My door is never closed unless we are both home
- I wasn’t home so who was there to lecture?
I opened the door very confused, and that’s when instead of the warm greeting I normally receive, I was greeted by a series of hisses and frantic gesturing “ssssssshhhhhhhhh!!! Get out! not so loud!”
This got me thinking, what is this???
If you go back to my first ever post (you can read that HERE), I made a promise to continue a study of the strange and wonderful ways of the species that is blogger, and this is what I found.
What the blogger does when in their nest or home environment is the following:
Shower or bath depending on several factors
- What do you want to smell like? Bubble-gum, vanilla, baked ginger cookies – generally it will be a food stuff or flower harvested by the indigenous peoples of where ever.
- If you are in the mood, you can turn your bath into a Harry Potter-inspired cauldron of psychedelic foam, which erupts from things called Bath Bombs (not as cool as I thought they would be). All environmentally friendly or so I’m told. Although I have my reservations – anything that turns my bath tub into Ozzy Osbourne’s LSD soaked dreams can’t be environmentally friendly, but that’s just me.
- The bath or shower option is dependant largely on which of the seven hundred chemicals, lotions or oils you would like to infuse yourself with, or what strength abrasive you would like to scour your epidermis with.
- Scrubs. Well this is a whole different kettle of fish, most of these abrasives are edible in my experience. Don’t ask me why, but apparently rubbing myself down with coffee husks, sugar, honey or something I would ordinarily mix with water and drink, “will change my life!”
With the whole shower bath fiasco, out of the way we can then move onto phase two:
The careful selection of lotions and balms
Do not be fooled! This is by no means a simple process, and you are nowhere near to ready yet.
No one single lotion can be used on your whole body! A practice which I’m told is insane and my wife maintains, I will regret it one day when I have crocodile skin and she looks like a china doll.
The options and combinations are boundless! Creams or lotions I don’t know if there is a difference or not, fall into categories:
Body, Face, Hand, and Foot creams, with face creams being further subdivided into “day” and “night”. I can assure you every single product is carefully selected and applied in specific order and body part. Oh, and don’t forget Eye creams – allegedly the skin around the eyes is somehow different from the rest of the skin on the body, and should be treated with a much greater degree of care.
Sometimes the skin care segment of the procedure involves the use of things called face masks. I cannot tell you how many nights I have watched TV snuggled up with Hannibal Lecter, and you dare not say anything. Oh and let’s not forget the pore strip! What happens is you essentially glue a strip of something to your nose, allow it to dry and then rip it off! I participated once, and these strips are torn from my face and then analysed with macabre fascination and exclamations of (and I quote) “You’re so gross! I can’t believe I kiss your face!”
Now once the blogger has soaked and scrubbed, masked, stripped, creamed and conditioned from head to toe, so begins the broadcasting segment of the event.
The GRWM (Get Ready With Me)
Perched on an appropriate chair, the blogger’s inner Spielberg bursts forth! Lighting, camera angles, all aspects are addressed with the utmost care. The broadcast can begin, at which point I get ushered out of the room like someone chasing a stray with a broom.
From what I gather, this whole procedure is broken down and described, and then makeup gets done and everyone can ask questions the how, when, why and where of how the blogger achieves there carefully sculpted look.
BB creams, foundations, concealers, varying shades and textures are all meticulously discussed and broken down. Colours across the spectrum are applied and discussed with the intensity and focus that would rival the Nuremberg trials, and then occasionally the funniest thing happens – sometimes (but not always) it all gets wiped off before hopping into bed.
To disturb the ritualistic practice is a dangerous business! The blogger and their tribes of followers revere these proceedings, interruptions are NOT ACCEPTED LIGHTLY and I will receive a lot less sugar and a whole lot more spice if I do.